I See That You’ve Noticed My Cape

Hudson Hongo kicks off our Humor Week by letting you know where he got his cape.

It’s okay that you’re intimidated, most people are when they first notice my cape’s fine velveteen material and its period-perfect stitching, so I won’t make you ask where I got it. No, I’ll tell you: I got it right here in my store.

“What?,” you’re asking yourself, “he sells capes here, too?!” It’s true, my shoppe carries a wide range of premium medieval apparel. Go ahead and leave with what you called the “pony” statue (how the mighty Pegasus would rage if you so maligned him in person!), but is that all you want for your daughter, a peasant’s home dead to the magick of our past? I don’t think so. I think you want what we all want for our families — a sense of home, safety, and matching horse-leather tunics, branded with the crest of your clan.

Don’t mistake me, I understand your hesitance. A new cape is not just a perfect balance of style and function, but a declaration of character. Do you fancy yourself as more of a cloak man, perchance? These woolen cowls are a fashionable purchase for any modern gentleman and will fully obscure your visage, be it from a witch’s evil eye or the gaze of a colleague outside of work. Or maybe you’re looking for something with a bit more flash, like this Spellmaster robe in moonstone. I can tell you firsthand that women find a man in illuminous trim irresistible. I won’t press you; come, browse my other wares before you decide.

Have you seen these staffs? My mind must have been taken by the goddess Luna herself to price these so low! It pains me, but I’ll stand by my word. That’s the code of the Knights Templar. Oh, had I not told you I’m descended from that ancient order? Of course, there’s not many of us left who are; the Templar’s kinsmen purged both root and branch. I can assure you of one thing though: those of us who remain you can trust with your life, and to sell you decorative swords of only the highest quality.

They’re expensive, sure, but what price can you put on the well-being of your tribe? A few hundred coins, I’d hope. If it’s those warnings that put you off, I can tell you right now that it’s just a legal issue. I give my oath that these pieces are “for decorative use” only if you plan to decorate with the entrails of your foes. But maybe you’re not ready for that yet, not ready to stand as lord over your realm, or to feel the raw energy that flows from a reproduction broadsword smithed by expert craftsmen. It’s your choice: each era has both its princes and peons.

No, don’t go, I was merely jesting, another talent all Templars share. I should have known those swords weren’t for a man like you. You’re a man of peace, of distinction, the kind of man who appreciates the finer things. Come, sit down, tell me what it’s going to take to get you into one of my capes and out of that fucking Snuggie.

Hudson Hongo lives in the Pacific Northwest, and it will stay that way if he can help it. He has written for McSweeney's and The Morning News. Hudson maintains a web presence here.