I know what you’re thinking: a guy like me (go ahead, you can say it, a little guy) he couldn’t crush much of anything, hell, he’d be lucky to crush ice on a hot day. That’s okay though, because knowing what you’re thinking is the first step to crushing you. A novice like yourself might start with the toes or even the fingers when you’re looking to put the squash on somebody, but I’ll let you in on a little secret; the brain isn’t just the largest muscle in the body, it’s also the easiest to crush. Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this so you know that I could crush you, if I wanted.
I can see I have your attention now, you laughing in that nervous way that makes your whole crushable body shake. You don’t need to be worried though, because I never said that I wanted to crush you, just that I could, should I desire to.
Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe one of your friends does that frat-boy trick where he crushes a can on his forehead and afterwards he’s given you the old “this can is you and my forehead is my Herculean, vice-like palms.” Maybe, but the difference between me and them is experience.
It seems like it was decades ago that I first gave somebody the treatment a newspaper gives a spider, and it was — that’s how long I’ve been crushing folks. I was still a kid when I started out, thought it was like the cartoons where you just lay into somebody and poof they’re flatter than a tortilla. The only thing about crushing that was like the cartoons were the names of the other guys on the circuit. Back then, I thought I was famous, getting on the same bill as the Masked Musher or Cram Gracker. That was before I met Smashin’ Sam Dean.
What? You never heard of him? He was a legend, one the few greats. Before I met Sam, I was crushing trashcans, Mazdas, anything for a crowd. He was the one who taught me about self-respect, integrity — the qualities that made crushing a true gentleman’s sport. If half the kids in the game today would just sit down and watch a tape of how Sam did it, I bet crushing would be as popular as it ever was, overnight!
To be honest, I haven’t crushed anybody in a long time. When Trish got pregnant, I knew I had to get a straight job. After that, well, you know the story. Between trying get the kids into college and the extra hours I’ve been working to save up for it, my schedule hasn’t had much room left to downscale anybody. Even when somebody’s really asking for it, I’ll just walk away, think about golf until I forget the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong though, I’d make an exception for you, and by “make an exception” I mean I’d crush you. I’d crush you like a thousand schoolboys stomping a thousand ants. That is, of course, if I wanted to.