That One Time I Accidentally Ordered a Prostitute

Jordan Barber interviews his friend Jenn, who learned what a “traditional Balinese massage” really meant when she visited Jakarta.

My friend Jenn recently traveled to Indonesia for several weeks. She has lots of stories. This is one of them.

Jordan: How did you accidently order a prostitute?

Jenn: I was in my hotel, and they were advertising traditional Balinese massages. My roommate and I decided that it would be a nice treat, so I called them up. They asked if I wanted a female or male masseuse and I said female.

Jordan: I have no idea how these two things are going to connect, but go ahead.

Jenn: Well, it turns out the massages aren’t really massages. Well actually, they kind of are… but I’ll get to that later. So the masseuse comes in — it’s a lady — and she seems a little surprised. She’s pretty young, native Indonesian. Speaks almost no English.

Jordan: And then she gives you a massage?

Jenn: Not really. She tells me to take off all my clothes, so I strip down to my bra and underwear. But she tells me to take off everything, so I take off my bra and lay down. Then she comes over, pulls off my underwear and gives me a really hard slap on the ass. So it doesn’t really start as a massage.

Jordan: Okay: naked and ass-smacking. You’re sure it’s not just a “traditional Balinese” massage?

Jenn: Well, that’s what I thought. I just pretended it didn’t happen. Maybe her hand slipped or something.

Jordan: Oh right, those embarrassing accidental ass slaps. Do those all the time.

Jenn: Hey, well she was massaging pretty hard, so all the downward pressure… maybe if you hit it just right, you just do an ass smack. Are you a masseur? I didn’t think so. There might have been an accidental slip in there.

Jordan: Okay, whatever. So after you justify the ass-slap through the laws of physics and then what happens?

Jenn: Well she keeps up with the massaging bit. Then she starts talking in poor English about how pretty I am, which is nice.

Jordan: People just aren’t complimentary anymore.

Jenn: Yeah, it seemed like a nice thing to say. That and all Asian people want to be white. It’s strange; they’re obsessed with whiter skin, while white people want to be tan.

Jordan: You know what they say.

Jenn: You can’t always get what you want.

Jordan: You always want what you don’t have?

Jenn: I don’t think that’s it.

Jordan: I think we’re getting off topic. So she calls you pretty…

Jenn: Yeah she keeps doing that. Her massaging is terrible though. She’s just running her hands up and down my legs, and but keeps going up my thighs. I tried to tell her “too hard,” but she just cackles and spanks me again.

Jordan: Probably a slip of the hand.

Jenn: She’s doing the whole leg stroking thing, calling me pretty, and spanking me every once and a while. It was like lightning — I couldn’t tell when it would strike next.

Jordan: Did you think she was a prostitute at this point?

Jenn: Not really. I just thought she was really weird. I was trying to enjoy myself, so I was willing to excuse some weirdness. Anyway, after that, she touched my vagina.

Jordan: Oh god. Well it’s hard to ignore that.

Jenn: Yeah, she just kept crawling up my leg until she just thumbed my vagina. Then she told me to flip over, so I did. So here I am, totally naked with my boobs flopping around, and she takes a towel and covers my stomach. Like, that’s the part we don’t need to see.

Jordan: What were you thinking at this point?

Jenn: I’m gonna be honest, I had no idea what was going on. I just laid there like a statue, trying to keep my legs together so she wouldn’t do any more vagina thumbing.

Jordan: Sounds like she went to town. Like spelunking, or scooping ice cream

Jenn: It wasn’t vagina ice cream scooping! At this point, I started to get a little freaked out. But I didn’t want to do anything, because I didn’t want to offend her. It was really embarrassing, but I stayed hoping she would finish soon. I just laid there. Like a cold fish. I figured if I lay really still, she’d ignore me and go away.

Jordan: I think that works with the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Not sure about people though.

Jenn: It didn’t work. She was stroking my pubic hair too. She also told me “I have baby like you!” which really confused me. Did she have a white baby because she was a prostitute? Or did she think I was pregnant? My roommate didn’t seem to mind it though.

Jordan: What?! There was someone else in the room?

Jenn: Uh, yeah. We both got a massage. I tried not to look; she’s a big girl. She didn’t get any spanking though.

Jordan: Oh — sounds like you got special treatment.

Jenn: I got my money’s worth. Anyway, after she finishes “massaging” me, she sits down on the bench with me, like we’re best friends or something. Except I’m completely naked and she’s clothed. And then she does something really weird. She takes her own hair, bends down to my pubic hair so they’re touching, and says, “see we’re the same!”.

Jordan: She compares her head hair with your pubic hair?

Jenn: Yes.

Jordan: I feel like there’s some sort of profound cross-cultural significance hidden in this meeting of your hair to hers. Like we’re all the same. Did it never occur to you to stop any of this at any point?

Jenn: I was gonna get my eleven dollars worth no matter what it was. I tipped her two dollars though.

Jordan: Wow, okay. Anything else happen to you in Indonesia?

Jenn: Well I was also bitten by a rabid monkey, and had to get tested for rabies. I also had an allergic reaction to a henna tattoo and had to go to the hospital. I was really hesitant about the Indonesian doctors because whenever we went they said, “Do you want the Indonesian medicine or good medicine?”. I also bought two turtles, but I left them in the bathtub in the hotel. And that’s why I’m never having kids.

Jordan: Sounds like an adventure. Thanks for talking with me.

Jenn: No problem. Turns out I don’t have rabies.

Jordan Barber is proud that the internet allows him to criticize, admonish, and irritate people from his own living room. And though this immense power only comes to the few, he promises to wield his hammer of judgment with a standoffish, thoughtful outlook.