Over this final month of the campaign, you’re likely to hear a lot of empty promises from both major parties as they gnaw their way through the bottom of the barrel to win your vote, but if you’re having trouble differentiating between this year’s candidates and all those other douche bags who’ve been screwing you since you popped out of your momma, don’t despair. That’s why God (or Thomas Jefferson, or something) created the write-in vote. With that in mind, here’s a small selection of potential lost causes to consider when you cast your vote this November.
After more than 25 years as an American icon, it may be time for Hulk Hogan to throw his hat (and bandanna and Oakley knockoffs) into the political ring. In these tough economic times, America needs a Real American in the oval office, someone who will fight for the rights of every man. Hogan has many of the qualities Americans look for in their leaders: he is strong, decisive, patriotic as fuck, and also has surprising insight and the tortured soul of a poet.
Platform: Unlikely to be all that much different from this.
Historical Landmarks: First orange president, first president to wear feather boas in office since Franklin Pierce
Once known only for her, uh, aesthetic qualities, Tyra Banks has, over the past five years, developed into a hugely popular television personality. By night, she berates fellow beautiful women for not being graceful enough on America’s Next Top Model and by day, she regales the mentally subnormal housewives of America (notably enough, one of the most important demographics in the upcoming election) with her unparalleled knack for shrill self-righteousness on her Emmy Award-winning talk show. It’s time that Americans had a president who fully understands their problems and, though Banks certainly doesn’t fit that description, people seem to like her okay anyway.
Platform: Incoherent rant, approaching a pitch so high that only bats can discern individual words, about how difficult it is to be a beautiful woman in today’s world.
Qualifications: Won Daytime Emmy in 2007. Reminds a lot of people of Oprah, but not as smart, which makes her less threatening to most of us. History of open hostility toward the press. Oh yeah, also this.
Historical Landmarks: First black president, first female president, third former bikini model to become president
Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, David Bowie was not, in fact, born in the United States. Like I care. Dude wrote “Space Oddity.”
Platform: Primary issues include moving the White House to the moon, destroying the terrorists with a really funky groove and fixing the economy with laser beams.
Qualifications: The Labyrinth
Historical Landmarks: First president from outer space
Samuel L. Jackson
Samuel L. Jackson is a dynamic silver-screen personality known for his roles in such cultural touchstones as Pulp Fiction, Deep Blue… wait, I mean Snakes on a… never mind, the one I was thinking of was SWAT. Wait, that’s not right either. Um…
Okay, well the point is, when you see that Samuel L. Jackson has a new movie coming out, you immediately know two things: 1) The movie in question is probably not very good, but 2) There will be at least one really entertaining character in it. America needs Samuel L. Jackson because he tells it like it is, and he often does so very, very loudly.
Platform: “Bitch please, I don’t even need no goddamn platform!” (Seriously though, his powerful rhetoric really has a way of cutting through all the partisan bullshit.)
Qualifications: Rich, authoritative voice, loud enough to make enemies and allies alike quail in fear, experience fighting terrorism in Die Hard with a Vengeance and Snakes on a Plane, can make golf fashion look hip.
Historical Landmarks: First black president, first president to say “motherfucker” in his inaugural address
Uh… really? Okay fine, if you’re really that desperate to throw your vote away, I’m not going to stop you.
With the stock market plumbing new depths every day, the ongoing financial crisis is at the front of every American’s mind. Our economy is really in the straits, but if there’s one guy out there who knows money, it’s Mr. Moneybags. Plus it’s about time that bow ties, top hats, and ornamental canes came back into fashion.
Platform: Plans to build a hotel on Boardwalk and try very hard to land us on Free Parking.
Qualifications: Has extensive knowledge of finance, is kind of adorable.
Historical Landmarks: First cartoon president, most badass presidential mustache since Theodore Roosevelt