Staff List: Why We’re Endorsing Barack Obama

Recently, publications like The New Yorker and Esquire have endorsed the Democratic candidate. As a venue that actually matters, The Bygone Bureau is proud to announce its support of Barack Obama.


Here’s why liberal arts students love Obama: we hate ourselves. We’re rich, white, and guilt-ridden. We live lives so much less interesting than we dreamed, and we fill the void with binge-drinking and superficial relationships. The universe revolves around us, everything is our fault, but we’re too self-conscious to lift a single goddamn finger. Whenever we hear about some nineteen-year-old conquering the world, we know our own laziness is the only reason we’ve never done anything worthwhile. Most people would kill for what we have, but we’re still miserable. We’re pathetic.

Not that we’re unique in our self-loathing. Joe Sixpack promised never to become his father, which he accomplished by spending even more time at the bar. Jane Winebox wonders what happened to that beautiful, brilliant girl of her youth when she’s not hounding her ex for child support or picking up the kids after a double-shift. The bigot lashes out to hide his latent homosexuality, the CEO can’t sleep because he sees the people he crushed on his rise to the top, and the farmer cries at night because he knows his children won’t lead a happier life than he did.

These people hate themselves, and they don’t support Obama. So why do college kids? Because at least we have enough sense to want a leader who’s better than us.


A few reasons why my vote is with Mr. Obama:

  1. I wouldn’t want to have a beer with him.
    I’m not sure when the ability of a candidate to have a beer with the average vote became important, but I think it just might be a bit misguided. Let’s look at the Russians, for example. No one in his or her right mind would want to have a beer with Putin. He could kill anyone with his pinkie, but he sure is a strong leader. Similarly, I wouldn’t want to have a beer with Obama. He would talk over my head, and I would feign comprehension and then go home feeling bad about myself. That’s a good thing, though. We want our doctors and lawyers to be smarter than us, so why not the president?

  2. He isn’t the cryptkeeper.
    When I look into McCain’s eyes, I see three letters: R, I, and P. The man is closer to death than Dick Clark.

  3. His laugh doesn’t sound like a flatulent duck, and his smile doesn’t make me want to scream “Help! I need an adult!”.
    Obama has a cheerful chortle, a great guffaw, and a lovable laugh. His smile is broad and endearing. McCain’s laugh sounds like this. Christ almighty, if I had to listen to that sound for the next four years, I would shove Q-tips into my ears.
  4. Some other shit.
    Peripherally, he’ll get my vote because of his strong knowledge of the economy, his sensible and just tax plan, his intelligent choice of vice president, and the enthusiasm towards him abroad. And of course, if Obama were elected, we wouldn’t always be one heartbeat away from having “Jan Sixpack” running the country.


With eight years of the Bush Administration, we saw the worst leadership since the Reconstruction. We saw trillions of dollars wasted on a fruitless war, policies that exacerbated the divide between the rich and the poor, and our reputation as a world superpower undermined by the mispronunciation of the word “nuclear.”

Let’s try a new plan. Instead of electing an upper-class phony who feigns his empathy for the working class, let’s choose a leader with vision, integrity, and ideals that match those of the country.

Barack Obama is the leader we need, and as Americans, we should only be so grateful that he came just in time. His priorities lie within strengthening the middle class, eliminating the growing social stratification ailing our country. This is reflected in his proposed economic plan, tax policy, and outline for heathcare reform. He also has realistic long-term goals, as we can see from his energy-dependence and environmental policies.

Though he may not be able to live up to each and every one of his promises, any progressive change he brings to Washington will be better than the reactionary agenda of the Republican Party.

Conservatives, by nature, fear change. They believe that everything is perfect just the way it is. But if you can read a newspaper headline, you understand that the state of the country is less than peachy. The next president will come into the worst economic and diplomatic conditions since the Great Depression. So let’s stop fucking around.


I haven’t been an Obama supporter since birth. A few acquaintances have been waiting for this candidate their entire lives like he’s the messiah that will fulfill a long forgotten prophecy. I try not to remind them that we’ve only been following politics for the last four years or so and we shouldn’t lose our heads over our first presidential election.

But who am I kidding? This is exciting. We’re in the middle of an historic presidential race that’s rounding its fourteenth year now, and, not to mention, on the cusp of what could be The Greater Depression. We have a presidential candidate on our hands who is charismatic and intelligent, with the ability to heal international relations and improve American life and America’s world image. And he’s black!

“Well, McCain has a woman. Why aren’t you voting for him?”

Honestly, the McCain-Palin ticket scares me. What if McCain dropped dead and Palin was suddenly our president? The world would probably end. I would love for a woman to be the president someday, but not that woman. Call me an elitist, but I would like someone who is smarter than I am to run the country.

The moment I set aside my touted nonpartisanship was during Obama’s acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention. It was nothing in particular he said, but I suddenly realized that I just liked the guy. I agree with most of his stances on issues and he seems competent. It’s as simple as that.