Voter Groups You May Have Overlooked

Kevin Nguyen and Nick Martens turn the spotlight towards some niche demographics struggling to find a voice this election season.

Graphic Designers for McCainHot Topic: Kerning

Though many have touted the Obama camp for its graceful, unified design work, conservative typographers often cite the candidate’s font selections as pretentious. Gotham and Requiem, the two typefaces used on all of Obama’s signage and logos, were created by type foundry Hoefler & Frere-Jones, and are only available at a steep price. Graphic Designers for McCain (GDM) urges candidates to adopt typefaces that come standard on desktops computers, like Arial and Comic Sans. GDM also approves of McCain’s use of Optima for his campaign-related signage. Optima is the font used on the Vietnam Memorial, which is completely tasteful.


Hockey Moms for Obama

Hot Topic: Not lipstick

Hockey, which is still considered a sport, is one of our country’s most popular pastimes. Still, America’s political strength and its ability to ward off terrorist activity is hindered by the fact that Canada and Russia are better at hockey. Though it may seem logical to simply start watching NHL games again, it’s the means—not the ends—that creates a great nation of one-timing players. We must nurture our growing skaters, and who drives them to practice?

Hockey moms across the country are enraged by Tina Fey Sarah Palin’s insinuation that they look like bulldogs wearing lipstick. In response, they proudly adorn their minivans with the official Obama car magnet that comes with any $14 donation.

And remember Obama’s successful appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show? It’s a well known fact that 89% of hockey moms watch Ellen, and of them, 76% trust its host, despite her being a lesbian.


Sane People for Ron Paul

Hot Topic: Electroconvulsive therapy

Ron Paul, a little-known libertarian congressman from Texas, rose to psuedo-prominence on the Internet earlier this year when he ran for the Republican nomination on such sensible platforms as “reestablishing the gold standard,” and “abolishing the Federal Reserve.” His base consists of the socially maladapted thirteen-year-old boys that frequent the “user-driven news” websites, reddit and Digg.

Sane People for Ron Paul (SPRP) is a group of voters seeking to distance themselves from the public perception that all Ron Paul supporters are frothing, awkward, hormone-filled bags of acne who will spam your inbox with misspelled vitriol if you don’t give equal coverage to their completely viable alternative candidate. They are also likely to, in casual conversation, refer to the mainstream media as “The MSM.”

Some have questioned SPRP’s credibility on the basis that, even though Ron Paul is not actually running for president, his signs are still all over my goddamn neighborhood.


Mavericks for McCain

Hot Topic: Jason Kidd

The Dallas Mavericks are synonymous with disappointment within the National Basketball Association. They’ve never won an NBA championship. Even last season, as the number one seed going into the playoffs, they were knocked out in the first round by the Golden State Warriors, who were ranked eighth.

Many attribute last season’s failure to the team’s squandering of its budget on Point Guard Jason Kidd. Not coincidentally, they like McCain’s pick for running mate. The Mavericks have a history of letting people down, which is why they will continue to relate to the Original Maverick even after November.


Pregnant Teens for Sarah Palin

Hot Topic: Spring Break! Wooo!

Sarah Palin does not believe that a fifteen-year-old girl who gets pregnant after being raped by her father should be allowed to have an abortion. Pregnant Teens for Palin (PTP) thinks that position is way hot. Like, what’s the deal with abortion, anyway? I mean, do you want some pervy doctor poking around under your skirt? Hello! Besides, after the party at Chad’s house, I promised my boyfriend I’d only let him see me naked. Omigod! I’m going to be totally fat in, like, a month! He’s not going to dump me, is he?

Currently, Bristol Palin is PTP’s only registered member.


Republicans

Hot Topic: Drinking away the pain

Oh snap!