Halloween Costumes That Would Never Sell

In his free time, Jeff Merrion likes to design children’s costumes that are horribly offensive and tasteless.

As I look out the window and see the trees begin to shed their leaves yet again, I am reminded that Halloween is just around the corner. It is never too early to begin thinking about that perfect costume to wow, shock, and awe your companions.

In addition to my work at The Bygone Bureau, I attempted to pick up some extra cash (by which I mean “any”) as a freelance Halloween costume designer but to no avail. At first, I thought that my ideas were too forward thinking for conservative Halloween stores. In retrospect, however, I think my ideas were just bad. Here are a few that were rejected.

Juggalo

If there’s one group of people that are dressed for Halloween 365 days a year, it’s the Juggalos. Taking my inspiration from them, I decided to design the “L’il Juggalo” costume. Included in this costume kit are: one (1) pair of plastic Doc Martens shoes; one (1) pair of extremely baggy, black pants with a patch of the Juggalo Hatchet Man logo; one (1) extremely baggy Juggalo football jersey with the number “69″ on the back beneath the name “Psychopathic Records”; two (2) temporary rub-on tattoos featuring the Juggalo Hatchet Man logo; and the crowning jewel of the costume, one (1) real hatchet.

While the “L’il Juggalo” costume idea was superficially brilliant, it had a number of problems. First of all, if there’s one group of people that do not take kindly to light-hearted irony at their expense, it’s the Juggalos. Focus group research indicated that if this costume were sold, the amount of Juggalo-on-small-child violence would increase fivefold nationwide. Furthermore, most companies I tried to sell the costume to said that it was inappropriate to put the number “69″ on the back of a children’s costume. And finally, the real hatchet was a sticking point as well. So, there will be no mass marketing of the “L’il Juggalo” costume this year.

R. Kelly

I thought I had struck gold when I came up with this magnificent costume idea. The R. Kelly costume kit comes complete with a cornrow wig, and a gaudy red suit. Of course, many hip-hop artists wear cornrows and gaudy suits, so what makes this costume so distinctively “Robert Kelly” is the below-the-belt accoutrements. Included in each costume is a specially designed CamelBak water bottle, that comes filled with yellow Gatorade. The owner of the costume simply feeds the pressurized CamelBak tube through his or her pants, and with a simple push of a button, can expel fake urine at a desired target, just like the real R. Kelly!

Unfortunately, the costume vendors did not share my enthusiasm for this idea. The general consensus was that the costume was too tasteless for sale anywhere in America.

White Trash

I actually tried out a prototype of this costume one Halloween, when I was in 5th grade. The “White Trash” costume kit comes replete with one (1) pair of stained, worn sweatpants; one (1) white garbage bag; and one (1) sack of trash. The only assembly required for this gem of a costume is to put on the sweatpants, place the trash bag over one’s head (being very careful to use included breathing holes), and fill it with included trash. In this way, the owner of this delightful costume gets to be white trash for a day!

Sadly, this idea never got off the ground; it was a bit over many people’s heads. The most frequent comment the costume got was: “Why are you wearing a trash bag?” Also, the health hazards of giving plastic bags to children were deemed an unsuitable risk for the product to be marketed.

While none of these costumes made it to market this year, I will be more than glad to manufacture any of them on demand for anyone. Please send $50 per costume to JeffCorp Corporations, Incorporated Corporate Headquarters located in Tacoma, Washington, and allow four to six weeks for delivery of the best Halloween ever!

While he excels in most other areas, Jeff Merrion’s spatial logic falls within the lower third percentile of United States citizens. He is a Religious Studies major and, as such, has a long life of administrative assistantship awaiting him. To potential employers: Jeff makes a mean cup of coffee.