Staff List: The Worst Videos on YouTube

The Bureau Staff scours the entirety of YouTube to bring you the most awful of the awful. Viewer discretion is advised.

Whoa, there are a lot of them.


Though I am not a regular viewer of the YouTube videos, those that I have seen indicate to me that YouTube is a place where the dregs of society dump things that would have no audience otherwise. A perfect example:

The protagonist of this little gem wishes to show us that he can drive an automobile while under the influence of Salvia divinorum, which, pound for pound, is the most potent hallucinogen known to man. Though he does not succeed, the look on his face once he is sucked into the stratosphere and realizes he will not be completing his driving itinerary is priceless.


Tween sensation the Jonas Brothers seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, arriving suddenly from the Disney Channel headquarters, where Hannah Montana lives with 300 backup Zac Efrons, just in case this one turns out to be gay.

Contrary to popular belief, this band of brothers was not in fact manufactured entirely by Disney. Like many pop stars, they began their singing careers in church.

In this painful video, their embarrassingly earnest pastor father wrote a praise song that little Kevin Jonas sings with the children’s choir.


I’m not sure how to explain this phenomenon of people covering songs on their acoustic guitar, filming themselves, and uploading it to YouTube. But search for the word “acoustic” and you get more than half a million results. After watching all of those results, I think I’ve found the worst one. This dude sounds like a goat, and kind of looks like a goat. Except he can’t be a goat, because a goat would be way better at guitar:

And then there’s the phenomenon of people talking to their webcam and thinking that they’re interesting:

There’s some shameless Lolita-type bullshit going on at the beginning of this video, with the close up on the lips and the reference to stuffing her mouth. This girl, suggestively named spricket24, looks like that over-enthusiastic Theater major who always volunteers to read aloud in class and laughs at everything the teacher says. She’s kind of cute, but not really, but she looks surprisingly attractive at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon party when you’re drunk enough to not hear the squeaky pitch of her voice anymore. Then you wake up to the sound of that mousey, hangover-exacerbating soprano screeching out a selection of hits from the broadway musical Rent and… sorry, what was I talking about?


Of the ten worst music videos ever made, ten are for Pavement songs*. So, I knew the worst video on YouTube had to be connected to that band. Furthermore, we all know that, of the ten worst television channels in history, ten are Fox News. I think you see where this is going. Here’s Stephen Malkmus, former lead singer of Pavement, interviewed for Fox News’s The Daily Show “competitor,” Red Eye:

Every second is a merciless bloodbath, from the cameraphone-captured intro to the host’s butchering of “Malk-uh-nihh” on the sign-off. I want to direct your attention to one moment, though, that crystalizes the capitalistic savagery of this Faustian interaction between indie rocker and tyrant-conglomerate. It comes at 52 seconds, when the camera first cuts to Malkmus. He wears a thin-lipped smirk, his pain obvious in his narrow, loathing eyes. Then he gives one heavy blink before speaking, as if resigning himself to the dirtiest depths of shillhood.

This has become my second favorite facial expression of all time, trumped only this shot from the best video on YouTube:

* Don’t believe me? Watch this, this , and this. Not even Spike Jonze could make a halfway decent Pavement video.