Candidate Cuisine

Restauranteur Jordan Barber whips up a menu of election entrées guaranteed to appease your political palate.

Seeing that Cindy McCain enjoys sharing her cooking expertise with the American citizenry, we at The Bygone Bureau couldn’t help but suggest other recipes for the current candidates. A recipe is an extension of a person’s own tastes and particularities; it is a mirror of character.

Obama Waldorf Salad

A Waldorf salad is all things Obama. First, it has an ostentatious history: originally conceived at the famous Waldorf hotel (pre-Astoria), the salad must straddle the forces of pretentious elitism and country yokel Americanism. So despite its lofty origins, the basic ingredients—apples, mayo, celery—are common, giving the dish a foot in each world. It’s also a salad, which carries the stigma of a sissy food. And where’s the meat? Despite rumors of incompetence, a Waldorf salad can always hold its own as a single entrée.

Steak McCain

McCain is a simple guy. Stick to your talking points, remember Czechoslovakia doesn’t exist, and remember to mention you’re a war hero. Like steak. Just give McCain a grill and a slab of meat: he’ll be happy for the rest of his life. I mean, he was in Vietnam for 40 years, for Christ’s sake. He’s a war hero! Steak is an all-American, no-nonsense food that’ll never die (chuckle). There’s also not much to a steak. Hm.

Moose Casserole au Palin

Governor Palin is a blend of God-fearing American stereotype and edgy, haute couture-wearing fem-bot. Casserole, though originally from France, has since devolved into a gaudy American classic. Like Palin, who we all love because she kills moose and loves guns and talks about energy and looks pretty and isn’t it nice that she has five kids and one’s retarded but she decided to raise him anyway? That’s so nice. But the thing about a casserole is that it can be made with a wide variety of ingredients, though you’d never know because it’s covered in a thick layer of cheese. Only when you bite in will you discover what it’s really made of (note: fuck, I’m clever). At first you thought it was just cheese and noodles, but no, there’s broccoli in it too! Well, now you’re fucked because you’re allergic to broccoli. Like Sarah Palin’s foreign policy/any credentials, casserole is a mysterious entity that should be approached with caution. After all, you might die from the broccoli.

Biden’s Blueberry Muffins

Biden has been overshadowed of late. Some say that’s not fair. Biden is, after all, probably the most qualified and intelligent person currently campaigning for the White House. We all know, however, that electing an old white man doesn’t excite us anymore [Unless it’s a really old white man. -Ed.]. I’m reminded of this quote, attributed to George Bernard Shaw: “You don’t get tired of muffins, but you don’t find inspiration in them.” Biden, you’re a great guy, but muffins won’t cut it anymore. People want some edge nowadays, so grab a shotgun and shoot your friend in the face. Or track a moose in Siberia and gut it with a knife. Actually, I think that’s one of Sarah Palin’s national security credentials.

Jordan Barber is proud that the internet allows him to criticize, admonish, and irritate people from his own living room. And though this immense power only comes to the few, he promises to wield his hammer of judgment with a standoffish, thoughtful outlook.