How to Start an Anti-Obama Blog

Rancorous Hillary fans are jumping ship to McCain’s 72-year-old boat. Pundit Kevin Nguyen explains how you can deny your partisan allegiances by complaining about stuff on the internet.

Former Clinton supporters must unite like the Megazord! We must be heard!

We must protest the injustice of our candidate’s “defeat” through militant protest and swift action, and there is only one way to do it: blogging.

A blog (pronounced blog) is a public online journal. On it, you can type up your thoughts using a keyboard on a personal computer, which is a machine of wonderful magic.

(If you still don’t understand what a blog is, just call your grandkids. They’ll know. You can call them using a telephone, which is a device that lets you communicate with people over long distances.)

Jordan recently wrote an article about the glories of personal blogging. Political blogging is the same thing, only with more potentially copyright-infringing quotes from the Associated Press and a self-righteous tone of voice. As a good political blogger, you should post news story excerpts, take them out of context, and add your own opinion of the events, even though you weren’t there. Insinuate that anyone who disagrees with you is a sexist pig.

Currently, there exists a network of anti-Obama bloggers that call themselves PUMA, which stands for “Party Unity My Ass” (this is actually not a joke). The anti-Obama bloggers went through a few rounds of voting before choosing the acronym PUMA. My pick was Clinton Underlings Now Ticked, which came in at a close second place. (I think CUNT should’ve won because neither name received enough delegates to ensure the nomination.)

So now that you have some background on the movement, let’s get started.

First, your writing must exclude a couple of key elements:

  • Logic
  • Basic grammar

Rational thinking and proper comma usage destroy your credibility as both a blogger and an embittered Clinton supporter.

Once you‘ve put those two concepts completely out of your head, it’s time to start letting the internet (the thing with websites) know just how you feel about that big, fat butthead Barack Obama!

Many of those in the anti-Obama camp have elected to use Blogger, the free Google-owned blogging platform. It’s easy to edit your layout, which is important, since one of the prerequisites for joining PUMA is having an obnoxious, unreadable color scheme.

The anti-Obama bloggers also include some common vocabulary in their discourse. Most frequently and effectively used is the word Obamabot, which refers to the candidate’s naive following of constituents under the age of 30 who read the newspaper. More importantly, implementing the word Obamabot recognizes that this election is no longer about Democrat or Republican, but Autobot or Decepticon. Obama is to Optimus Prime as McCain is to Megatron. (Prediction: McCain selects Starscream to be his running mate.)

Brushing up on your Photoshop skills is also a must. Since it’s difficult to make valid arguments against the Obama campaign, we must rely on “alternative” tactics to bring him down. Here are some great examples from a real anti-Obama blog:

I think anti-Obama bloggers need to step it up when it comes to these digitally altered images. No, I’m not suggesting taking more than five minutes to make a jpeg. Instead, it’s time to add LOLcats commentary!

We’re living in the future, and it’s time to embrace the fact that I Can Has Cheezburger has revealed the way we’ll communicate five years from now.

Jokes aside, here’s the central lesson.

We are scorned Hillary Clinton supporters, so embittered by our loss to Barack Obama that we are willing to jump the partisan fence and vote for John McCain. Rather than trying to come up with reasons to vote for McCain, we’d rather think of excuses not to vote for Obama.

We’re like vegans who had to pick between apples and oranges. We wanted apples, but the majority wanted oranges, so to spite our fellow vegans, let’s force everyone to eat 72-year-old pork. Where’s the rationale? Well, it’s simply easier to criticize than to pose a logical solution.

Using our blogs to influence the voting public of America, the real question is: can we do it?

Yes we can!

I know that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have very similar political platforms, but I’m willing to ignore all that. Here is a list detailing why Obama should not be president, as provided by my friend and fellow anti-Obama blogger What Suddenly. I’ve added my own comments to support this blogger’s fine reasoning.

1. He does not have accomplishments and experience for the job of President.
McCain, on the other hand, has a tactful approach to dealing with foreign policy.

2. It isn’t possible to tell where he stands on issues.
Barack Obama has failed to provide a clear list of his stance on vital policy issues.

3. He did not win the primary.
I mean, I know Hillary didn’t either, but, like, whatever. Bill Clinton won the primary once. Has Michelle Obama? I didn’t think so. As a team, the Clintons are ahead.

4. The cast of characters that are his advisers, mentors, and close friends do not inspire confidence for most Americans….
Shady cast of characters include Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Oh wait, that’s the cast of Sex and the City.

5. Now, add in the accusations Barack has made that his opponents are racist before they have even said anything (“Did I mention he is black?”)
I have no source for this comment, but he must think his opponents are racist. Black people always think their opponents are racist.

6. and, yes sweetie, his own sexism regarding Hillary (“the claws come out”)
In mid-February, Obama said, “You challenge the status quo and suddenly the claws come out.” Clearly, this is sexist. I mean, I’m not sure where the connection between the female gender and claws comes from, but it must be sexist.

And really, we know Obama beats his wife because he is black.

7. and the enormous effort to control all of the discourse about him (Hussein who must not be named)
Rodham is a much better middle name.

8. and his own belittling of Americans (“a typical white person”)
Obama called his grandmother “a typical white person” on a radio interview in May. What Obama clearly means is that this country IS OVERRUN WITH GRANDMOTHERS!!! ADSJGKLSJEGKDFQ!!!!!

9. and the hypocrisy of running as the candidate of change.
The Onion said it best: Really, what’s more annoying than a black guy asking for change?

Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.