Job Search

Proletarian Caitlin Boersma scours the far reaches of the internet (a.k.a. Craigslist) for summer employment and comes across interesting (a.k.a. bizarre) job postings.

Looking for summer work is demoralizing. All I want is for someone to pay me for three months in exchange for labor. I have so much food service and customer service experience that it’s embarrassing (for God’s sake, I sung for tips). I’m more than willing to show up to every scheduled shift on time and do annoying, even humiliating things for minimum wage. I am the perfect candidate for a crappy job. The summer job search becomes more unbearable every year because I know what kind of job I’m getting into, and I’ll hate it.

Since I’m out of town at the moment, and since I believe that if something can’t be done on the internet it’s not really worth doing, I have begun my job search online.

Beverage Servers
$100 A Day or more possible for Pierce County’s number one gentlemen’s club. 18+ no experience necessary. Mon – Sat 10am – 7pm

After briefly perusing and only finding this post, I’ve decided to rely on Craigslist.

When I began my search, I had much resolve concerning what I would not do for money. These things included wearing a stupid costume or hat, standing outside holding a sign, working entirely on commission, and being a server at the establishment described above. After only finding two part-time barista and receptionist positions, my inflexibility began to waver.

I began to question my first requirement of no-costume-wearing when I saw this post:

Story Teller and Birthday Party Character
We are in need of a weekly storytime characater for a local childrens booutique, and birthday party artist to take on parties booked weekends in surrounding areas. You: are responsible, full of energy, have drama or theater backround, love and have experience working with children, love playing dress-up and entertaining, are organized, have transportation, are available weekends and once a week mid morning for story hour.

Compensation for story hour and parties is $20.00 an hour sub contracted. Training compensation will be $9.00 an hour.

My eyes quickly skipped over the blaring typos and the phrase “love playing dress-up” to the $20 per hour wage. Then I saw that the contact email had “fairy” in the name, shuddered, and came back to my senses. I’m quite happy not being suicidal and would like to stay that way.

The other posts I found were heavily geared toward high school and college students on their summer breaks.

$12 Per Hour+++ Great Summer Job!
$12.00 Per Hour plus attractive bonuses and incentives. 

20-25 hours per week. Paid Weekly! Clean-cut, professional appearance and outgoing personality required. A multi-million dollar Food Company is looking for clean-cut people with outgoing personalities to join a health conscience team of individuals passing out all natural, healthy food sample to potential customers. Immediate Openings!! Call Mr. Green for an appointment

Of course it was a sham. I saw the same description under every job category, the company isn’t mentioned, the job isn’t mentioned, and “Mr. Green”? C’mon. But as my job search yielded few prospects, I began to wonder if this post was for a genuine position. Even if it involves selling crack, $12 sure beats minimum wage, and the refusal to participate in illicit activities was never on my list of standards to begin with. Still, there was no email address, and I’d have to give this Mr. Green a call. Too much non-internet effort.

Goat Milker, Full Time Split shift or part time evening
Feed hay, milk using machines, strip out by hand, clean equipment and feed babies – 4 hour shift 6 a.m. to 10 a.m., 6 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Housing might be available to non-smoker who qualifies.

Long term job.

Pay for the full-time position ….
For first two months: $320/week plus room
After two months: $400/week plus room

Pay for the part-time position….
For first two months: $32/shift
After the first two months: $40/shift
Room optional.

There was a flicker of hesitation in the passing of this opportunity when I recalled that I do, in fact, have job experience using farm equipment and feeding farm animals, but I decided that I’d be much happier this summer if I kept looking.

Hopefully, by the end of the week, I will have applied to the few decent jobs I came across, and perhaps find tolerable work after all. With my standards at an all-time low (did I mention I used to sing for tips?), I’ll be happy just as long as I don’t end up working at children’s birthdays, selling drugs, or milking goats.

Caitlin Boersma is studying political science and English, but spends most of her time analyzing pop culture. Her premise for a new reality TV show, Killing Andy Milonakis, has yet to be picked up by VH1. She is notorious for spending a week’s wages on a ticket to see Morrissey live.