How to Survive the 21st Century

Reactionary Kevin Nguyen offers some “unique” solutions on coping with our ever-changing world by using the internet, alternate transportation, and pollution.

Economic depression, reliance on petroleum, climate change. Given the state of the world today, it seems like we’re finally reaching a point where the human race may reap what it sowed. Don’t worry. Technology will save us all from ever having to suffer the consequences. Yes, that may sound like an easy, blanket solution to the problem, but I have evidence here that illustrates how the great innovations of the 21st century will rescue us from getting what we deserve. High five!

Reinvest in a stronger currency

Our weak US dollar is making it difficult to purchase goods and services abroad. The dollar reached an all-time low against the British pound last November and a record low against the euro as recently as February. It’s time to start investing in a currency that will stay strong in the face of a US economic recession. That’s right. I’m talking about World of Warcraft gold.

Just below China, the fantastical land of Azeroth is the world’s fastest growing economy. But unlike the Chinese yuan, Warcraft gold is not pegged to the US dollar, which covers your ass in the event that the next administration is led by a 71-year-old Beach Boys fan. So take that handy $600 Economic Stimulus Package rebate and reinvest in gold. Admittedly though, the currency is often volatile to investor confidence, unsound domestic fiscal policies, and Orc raiding parties.

Relieve dependency on fossil fuels

What people need to understand is that buying a more fuel-efficient automobile isn’t going to save our country from its dependence on petroleum. Gas prices will keep rising to adjust to US demand, and in the end, hybrid cars don’t mitigate the problem but extend it. The solution: drive less and scooter more.

Have you heard of the Segway? I saw a couple overweight security guards riding these around the Tacoma Mall last weekend, and let me tell you, this shit is the future. This brand new technology will be the savior of our transportation crisis. Five years from now, if not sooner, everyone will be riding these two-wheeled bad boys in lieu of cars. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even walking.

Some people have suggested using plain ol’ public transportation. That’s just crazy!

Embrace rapid climate change

Have you ever stopped to consider that global warming climate change climate variability anthropogenic global warming might be a good thing? I was in Duluth, Minnesota this winter and decided that no place on Earth should be that fucking cold. The solution is to start taking action and making sure that no place on Earth is that fucking cold.

In fact, I’ve been trying to encourage global warming by spraying at least one entire can of Aerosol into the atmosphere every day. If every single person makes little changes in their life, the greater impact can save this planet from the scourge of nature.

When you think about it, we really don’t need nature. I mean, when was the last time you went to the park for a reason other than to buy pot? All of the benefits of “the outdoors” can be enjoyed watching Planet Earth, which was recorded in a higher definition than real life. Also, you can get all the exercise you need from playing Nintendo Wii.

Hell, if it’s warmer out, we might turn up the heat less and save a few bucks on our utilities bill. Now that is fucking progress!

Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.