Weddings commemorate the everlasting love of two people. So why the hell are they all so tedious? Seasoned veteran Drew Gemmer depicts a by the numbers ceremony from the marriage playbook.

by Drew Gemmer
drew@bygonebureau.com
Contributing Writer

Sometimes, people get married. It’s a thing that is both good and bad. Good, because friends are reunited, drinks are had, and everyone is smiling; bad, because every wedding is pretty much the damn same.

There’s something to be said for tradition. In days that are devoid of chivalry, weddings are a throwback to what ye olde folks call “the good old days.” Family is present. Food is eaten. Elders are respected.

People find the sameness comforting. It explains why the Roman Catholic Church is still in business. Mass is the same every week, and people can rely on it as a constant, if nothing else is. For every person who finds comfort in the tradition, there’s a person who finds it equally discomforting.

The thing is, most weddings absolutely suck. Take it from someone who caters weddings and is about to begrudgingly enter wedding season. Here’s an opportunity to bring your closest friends together and show them a good time on your parents dime, but what do they do? The same old tired routine.

[Fade into…]

Church
Own vows are read, full of how much love is in their hearts, blah blah blah. (Even though this is boring for everybody except the parents, this is probably an essential part to a wedding.)

Reception
People get drinks, mull about, and find their seat (and each table has its own theme! How fun!) until cheese-dick DJ announces the wedding party. A particularly “funky” DJ will play “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” as they enter.

Everybody eats shitty catered food that costs too much.

First dance
It’s always Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable.”

Toasts
Champagne is brought out–always Domaine St. Michelle–and ear-splitting reverb indicates the best man is ready to toast the bride and groom. He is not drunk enough, and nobody laughs at his jokes because he’s trying way too hard. The maid of honor is plenty drunk, but her toast is super heartfelt and she talks way too long. Then the father jokes about this costing way too much, except he really secretly means it, so it’s kind of awkward. He tries to save it by saying what a great guy the groom is, and he loves him like a son. We’re all friends again.

Cake
Ha ha! She shoved it in his face! He shoved it in hers! Laugh riot OMGJKLOL!!!!!!

“The Stripper” is played, indicating it’s time for the provocative segment. The single guys don’t want to go up there, so it’s just one guy and a bunch of 12-year-olds. They drop the fucking underwear thingy. The girls go up there to catch the bouquet, and they pretend like they don’t really want it, but then they go fucking nuts trying to catch it. Catfights ensue, but the hot blonde always gets it.

Dancing
The DJ enters. These are the exact songs he plays:

• “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang (interchangeable with We Are Family by Sister Sledge)
• “Love Shack” by the B-52s
• “Yeah! (Remix)” by Usher, Lil’ Jon & Ludacris
• “Brown-Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison
• “Twist” by Chubby Checker
• “Grease Megamix” (seriously, they still play this shit)
• “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
• “YMCA” by The Village People
• “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
• “Sexyback” by Justin Timberlake
• “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks
• “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi
• “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot
• “Hey Ya!” by Outkast
• “What is Love” by Haddaway
• “Push It” by Salt-n-Pepa
• “Last Dance” by Donna Summer

If you still think disco is dead, you haven’t been to a wedding recently. Oh, and white people really like that Usher song.

By the end, people are so drunk, humanity weeps at its own stupidity. The caterers vow to never drink again. Everybody stumbles off to a bar or to a DUI. The groom always leaves his jacket behind, and some old lady always leaves her purse.

[Fade Out. End scene.]

I don’t want to tell you how to run your wedding should that day ever come, I just want to tell you how not to do your wedding. If you’re going to drop $40,000, make it memorable.

Actually, here’s some advice: Always play Prince. It’s impossible not to dance to Prince.