The Future of Nintendo Wii Revealed

Super Smash Bros. Brawl addict Jordan Barber reveals a memo from Nintendo about future games, which hope to expand the console’s market reach with titles that annoyingly rhyme with Wii.

Since the inception of the Wii, myself and others have pondered how long it will be able to maintain itself despite having few relative strengths (the Wiimote and use of “ii” in everything being the strongest two). But the popularity of the Wii has been unrelenting, even with the growing list of ridiculous peripherals, such as the Nunchuk and the steering wheel. Given the wild success of the system and astoundingly simple titles like Wii Sports, it is no surprise that there was (April Fools!) speculation over future games like Super Pii Pii.

The Bygone Bureau recently came across a Nintendo memorandum regarding the next generation of Wii titles. We’re willing to share it with our loyal audience, despite the impending news explosion likely to occur. It comes as no surprise that Nintendo is pulling out all the stops in their next lineup. We are, however, somewhat distraught by Nintendo’s apparent lack of regard for both spelling and grammar. The games make us a little uneasy as well.

Nintendo Memo

From: Jeffrey Mendelssohn
To: Nintendo Executives

Subject: Third Generation Wii Games!

It is with great pleasure that I announce the next generation of Wii games, and may I say that this lineup is one of the best Nintendo has ever seen.

Given the incredible success of Wii games with profoundly simplistic functions, such as Wii Sports’s bowling or tennis, we have decided to expand upon the infinite possibilities of everyday life to fully utilize all of the Wiimote’s possible actions! Though it may surprise Nintendo, it has become apparent that customers enjoy the routine drudgery of the material world if played through a video game ;)

With that, we unveil games that seek to capture a simple life function and integrate it as a game. With Super Grocery Sprii, never before has shopping featured so much arm-flinging fun! I’m pushing for a bowling feature with cantaloupes and pineapples :DDD!!

In addition, Nintendo seeks to expand upon our growing adult market with “quieter” games like Super Decorate a Christmas Trii and Super Debrii Pickup. Other mundane life events can also be transformed into an incredible gaming experience, like Super Associate’s Degrii. Sounds like a sequel in the making, huh guys?! : ))))

For the old timers, we are producing a nostalgic Super Telegraph Kii that will even feature network capability to play with other senior citizens across the globe. We expect that title to be greatly anticipated!!!

We are also working to respond to calls that the Nintendo Wii is too “childish” to appeal to the hardcore gaming audience that is typically made up of 18 to 24-year-old males. AND that’s JUST NOT TRUE :O!! So we are proud to present a new line of games that will be grittier and more realistic! We are proud to present Super Taze Mii that will utilize the Wiimote for realistic tazing action. DON’t taze me BRO! LOL!

We also will be featuring Super Prison Escapii, where players can perform a digging motion with the Wiimote to simulate the uselessness of attempting to escape from a concrete prison cell. Oh no, don’t drop that Soap! ROFLs all around, am I right? Mario Drug Partii will also be a huge hit, kind of like the Mario Party series (why didn’t we use Partii?) but with some drugs instead of minigames.

For the more “serious” gamer (a.k.a. big spenders), we’ve got some historical titles being rolled out, like Super Battle of the Bismark Sii. I’m trying to get some Pokémon into that one! Imagine FIRING Jigglypuff out of a cannon! Sweet huh? Am I right? We’ve also got Super Smash the Bourgeoisii that’ll be a “realistic” depiction of Soviet Russia. Or something.

The last game we had we’re still in the process of laying out. We’re not sure on the specifics, but we’re thinking that the title will be Super Babii Shaker. We’re still not quite sure on that one ! :PPP

Chatcha Dawgs later!

- Jeffrey

Jordan Barber is proud that the internet allows him to criticize, admonish, and irritate people from his own living room. And though this immense power only comes to the few, he promises to wield his hammer of judgment with a standoffish, thoughtful outlook.