How to Watch the First Season of “Battlestar Galactica” in One Sitting

The new Battlestar Galactica has been widely-recognized as one of the best shows on television. Cylon Caitlin Boersma provides all the Olympic-caliber training necessary for tackling the entire first season in a single viewing.

You’re thinking, “It can’t be done. It’s impossible.” Well, you’ll never make it with that kind of attitude. Watching Battlestar Galactica for an entire day is possible, but it will take dedication and sacrifice. If you’re not willing to devote the energy to this project, turn back now. Go watch a weekly episode of Gossip Girl and feel the emptiness and shame of your defeat.

Even though watching Battlestar is a life-affirming experience, it can be tiring to remain seated on your couch for longer than two hours. The following is a step by step guide to make it through this challenging but rewarding event.

You’ll first need to acquire the first season of the show on DVD. You can either use Netflix (you’ll have to upgrade your subscription to five-at-a-time for only $30 a month) or borrow it from a friend. Think of the coolest friend you have. He’s sure to have a copy.

After receiving the first season, take the next two days off of school or work and turn off your phone. You can’t be bothered with friends or reality. Since the first season is twelve hours and 42 minutes long, it’s imperative that you plan your 48 hours carefully to allow sufficient time for preparation and recovery.

On the first day you should get an early start. Make sure you’re up before noon. Do a few crunches (no more than four), and take a brisk walk around your block; It’s the last time you’ll be moving for a while. After your exercises, gather the food you will need for your trek and bring it to your living room (or wherever your television resides). If you don’t own a mini fridge, I suggest excluding dairy products from your diet for the day.

Once your meals are prepared and placed within reach of your favorite seat, you’ll need to collect other essential items. This list includes, but is not limited to, blankets, pillows, pants with elastic waistband (sweats are preferable), aromatherapy candle and matches, uppers, bottled water, slippers, a notepad and pen, flashlight, toothbrush, and an empty coffee can.

These items will help make your viewing station more comfortable. If you begin to notice an unpleasant odor wafting from your inactive body, light the candle. If you feel sleepy, pump yourself with stimulants. If you experience difficulty remembering names or come across an episode you’d like to google later, use your handy notepad. Just because you’re putting your life on hold doesn’t mean you shouldn’t brush your teeth. A Battlestar Galactica extravaganza does not warrant poor dental hygiene. As for the flashlight and coffee can, you never know what could happen. Say you need to spit or can’t reach a light switch to find your potato chips. You’ll thank me later.

While you’re moving about the house preparing your station and talking to yourself, or to your cat, use phrases like “oh my gods,” and “motherfracker!”. This will help familiarize you with the obscure and futuristic language of the Colonial Fleet.

Once your station is set up, you are almost ready to begin. Before starting the first disc, make sure you use the restroom. In addition, each episode affords a 20-second break for the opening credits, during which you are free to run to the bathroom, but remember that some of these breaks should also be used to rest your eyes.

After double-checking your list, you may begin. Two o’clock in the afternoon is the optimal start-time. This allows you to be in bed by 3 a.m., preparing for the withdrawals and recuperation the morning will bring.

Now sit back and enjoy the rewards of your careful preparation. If your body becomes numb at any time, you should stand–slowly–and bend slightly from side to side to create motion without taking your eyes off the screen.

You should sleep for a minimum of ten hours after your Battlestar marathon. When you rise in the afternoon of the second day, repeat your crunches and brisk walk to bring life back into your motionless body.

Caitlin Boersma is studying political science and English, but spends most of her time analyzing pop culture. Her premise for a new reality TV show, Killing Andy Milonakis, has yet to be picked up by VH1. She is notorious for spending a week’s wages on a ticket to see Morrissey live.