Everything You Need to Know About Dating

Known for his “Don Juan” vanity license plate, Kevin Nguyen shares his surefire tips for a successful date.

I go on a lot of dates. It’s probably because I stand at an impressive stature of 5’6″ and weigh less than most of the girls I meet. But seeing as how it’s a new year and my resolution was to “be more philanthropic,” I decided that it would be a privilege to readers if I shared some of my dating tips.

Step 1: Asking someone out

This is arguably, and understandably, the most difficult part of the process.

Now, many people will suggest that the best way to go about this is to simply work up the courage to ask. This is wrong, and anyone who recommends this is an idiot. Instead, try a technique that’s a little more old school. And by old school, I mean middle school.

On a sheet of lined paper, write the following:

Would you like to have the privilege of going out to dinner with me?
• Yes
• No

Fold it up and leave it on her desk or sneak it into her jacket pocket.

If they answer ‘yes,’ then you’re all set. If they say ‘no,’ start telling all her friends and co-workers that she is a lesbian. Make tasteful jokes like, “I never had a chance” or “I guess I was trying to convert her, like a Jehova’s Witness or something.” Also make sure to write the note in cursive. Chicks dig cursive.

Step 2: Picking a restaurant

Women tend to want a place that’s romantic, which means aside from having a solid meal, they’ll also prefer a location with good atmosphere. It’s hard to go wrong with T.G.I. Friday’s.

Step 3: Dinner conversation

No matter how sharp you look in your freshly-ironed Hawaiian shirt or how nice you smell with Axe body spray, you’ll never get anywhere without a good conversation. Just bring up something that sounds smart and sophisticated, like politics or books.

“Politics is cool.”
“I’m reading this really good book now. It’s about history.”

Just avoid saying the following:

“You eat a lot. For a girl, I mean.”
“Y’know what’s strange? You remind me of my mom.”

And for the love of God, do not start crying. I’ve tried this before, and it does not work.

Instead, tell her an extraordinary story about something you’ve accomplished. If you’ve never accomplished anything in your life, just make things up. The key is to lie. Here is a good example:

I went camping last June, so I could do push-ups alone in the forest. In the middle of the night, I was attacked by a hungry Kodiak bear, like from that Alec Baldwin movie The Edge. Needless to say, I was scared, but I punched the bear in the face and it ran off.

This story has several important components. First, it gives a definite setting (the forest) and explains why you’re there (push-ups). Second, the anecdote makes a film reference, which shows that you’re cultured. Finally, and most importantly, the concession of being “scared” shows that you’ve got emotions and shit. Deep down, every girl wants to be with a sensitive guy who fights bears.

Showing a scar is a good way to authenticate your story. I usually reveal the one I got from the time I slammed the car door on my leg.

If you get caught with discrepancies or inconsistencies in your story, like “Aren’t Kodiak bears ten feet tall and found exclusively in Alaska?”, just deny them. She’ll likely forget.

Now that you’ve established yourself as the man of her dreams, it’s time to pay for the meal. No matter how much she insists, don’t let her pay a dime for dinner. You’ll be able to use this against her later.

Step 4: Bringing it all back home

Drive your date home. If she doesn’t invite you in, find an excuse to come in. I usually tell her that the meal from T.G.I. Friday’s gave me indigestion and I urgently need to use the bathroom, which is usually the truth.

Now that you’re in her home, it’s time to seal the deal. Women like subtlety. Suggest coital relations in passing by asking, “Do you have condoms or should I grab some from my car?”. It should all fall into place from there.

But if it doesn’t, make sure to write her another folded-up note the next day.

Are you filing a restraining order?
• Yes
• No

Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.