Based on a survey of two week’s worth of spam in my Hotmail account, I have isolated the following five characteristics that spam companies seem to see as being endemic to the human condition:
- We are all lottery winners.
- We all have impotent, diminutive sex organs.
- We all have an abiding love for illegal Mongolian pharmaceuticals.
- We all owe millions of dollars for unpaid items on eBay.
- All of our wives are cheating on us. Find out how!
I decided that I would write a brief letter addressing the general spam producing community, which I will send en masse to every company that sends me spam.
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Jeff Merrion. I am a college student and frequent user of email. While I normally take little offense at criticisms leveled my way, I feel that you have grievously misconstrued the nature of my personality and intelligence. I wish to clarify five (5) points regarding my person that you seem to be mistaken about.
First, I have never participated in gambling of any sort. I would most certainly recall buying a lottery ticket for the Nunavut Lottery, which you claim that I have won. I wish to receive no further information about Canadian lotteries. In fact, please refrain from sending me information about anything related to lotteries or Canada.
Furthermore, I don’t know where you got these ideas regarding my member. Without divulging too much information, it will suffice to say that I need no aid with regards to the forbearance, girth, or functioning of my organ. Perhaps it is your member that could benefit from “2+ inches growth! Miraculous! Turn your cock into a cudgel!” products.
Thirdly, while it is true that my heart does its best impression of a trampoline artist whenever I am prescribed Vicodin, I do not wish to purchase pain pills from the black market of Mongolian pharmacies. I appreciate your offer, and in the future, should my pain become so unbearable that it clouds my judgment, bars me from seeing a doctor, and force me to resort to purchasing generic prescriptions from a nation most famous for its ruthless leaders and heartless deserts, I will consult your company. (Also, as far as your business plan goes, “E-Z Drugs” does not connote the kind of professionalism I look for in a purveyor of pills).
Fourthly, I have only ever bought one item on eBay. I was fifteen, and I purchased a CD by former Spacemen 3 frontman Pete Kember, who performs experimental drone music under the moniker “Experimental Audio Research.” The CD was of mediocre quality, but I do have proof that I paid for it in full. I do not recall purchasing a television. It is possible that in a haze (fueled by Mongolian painkillers) I went on a million dollar spending binge on eBay, but odds are, I did not.
Finally, I think you are misinformed about my wife in several ways. First and foremost, I do not have a wife. If I did, she would be Leslie Feist. And Leslie Feist would never, ever cheat on me. Our (hypothetical) love is as pure as the first snow of winter.
To recap, I am not a gambler, my member is of normal proportions, I do not want to buy Mongolian painkillers, I have only ever purchased one item on eBay, and my marriage to Leslie Feist will go off without a hitch and last long into my twilight years.
Jeffrey P. Merrion
CEO, JeffCorp Corporations Inc.