An Open Letter to Spammers

Spam emails seem to be an insurmountable problem of the digital era, but there may be a solution. Former U.S. Ambassador to Paraguay Jeff Merrion pens a diplomatic letter to spammers, informing them of their misconceptions regarding certain aspects of his life.

Based on a survey of two week’s worth of spam in my Hotmail account, I have isolated the following five characteristics that spam companies seem to see as being endemic to the human condition:

  • We are all lottery winners.
  • We all have impotent, diminutive sex organs.
  • We all have an abiding love for illegal Mongolian pharmaceuticals.
  • We all owe millions of dollars for unpaid items on eBay.
  • All of our wives are cheating on us. Find out how!

I decided that I would write a brief letter addressing the general spam producing community, which I will send en masse to every company that sends me spam.

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Jeff Merrion. I am a college student and frequent user of email. While I normally take little offense at criticisms leveled my way, I feel that you have grievously misconstrued the nature of my personality and intelligence. I wish to clarify five (5) points regarding my person that you seem to be mistaken about.

First, I have never participated in gambling of any sort. I would most certainly recall buying a lottery ticket for the Nunavut Lottery, which you claim that I have won. I wish to receive no further information about Canadian lotteries. In fact, please refrain from sending me information about anything related to lotteries or Canada.

Furthermore, I don’t know where you got these ideas regarding my member. Without divulging too much information, it will suffice to say that I need no aid with regards to the forbearance, girth, or functioning of my organ. Perhaps it is your member that could benefit from “2+ inches growth! Miraculous! Turn your cock into a cudgel!” products.

Thirdly, while it is true that my heart does its best impression of a trampoline artist whenever I am prescribed Vicodin, I do not wish to purchase pain pills from the black market of Mongolian pharmacies. I appreciate your offer, and in the future, should my pain become so unbearable that it clouds my judgment, bars me from seeing a doctor, and force me to resort to purchasing generic prescriptions from a nation most famous for its ruthless leaders and heartless deserts, I will consult your company. (Also, as far as your business plan goes, “E-Z Drugs” does not connote the kind of professionalism I look for in a purveyor of pills).

Fourthly, I have only ever bought one item on eBay. I was fifteen, and I purchased a CD by former Spacemen 3 frontman Pete Kember, who performs experimental drone music under the moniker “Experimental Audio Research.” The CD was of mediocre quality, but I do have proof that I paid for it in full. I do not recall purchasing a television. It is possible that in a haze (fueled by Mongolian painkillers) I went on a million dollar spending binge on eBay, but odds are, I did not.

Finally, I think you are misinformed about my wife in several ways. First and foremost, I do not have a wife. If I did, she would be Leslie Feist. And Leslie Feist would never, ever cheat on me. Our (hypothetical) love is as pure as the first snow of winter.

To recap, I am not a gambler, my member is of normal proportions, I do not want to buy Mongolian painkillers, I have only ever purchased one item on eBay, and my marriage to Leslie Feist will go off without a hitch and last long into my twilight years.

Sincerely yours,

Jeffrey P. Merrion
CEO, JeffCorp Corporations Inc.

While he excels in most other areas, Jeff Merrion’s spatial logic falls within the lower third percentile of United States citizens. He is a Religious Studies major and, as such, has a long life of administrative assistantship awaiting him. To potential employers: Jeff makes a mean cup of coffee.