Staff List: Alternative Presidential Candidates

The Bureau staff presents their choices for President of the United States.

All of the Bureau staffers attend a liberal arts college, which means we automatically know more about politics than anyone else, ever. In our infinite generosity, we have decided to grant the masses a brief peek into the thought process of the politically enlightened by revealing who we would choose for President of the United States in 2008. Look upon our list, ye slovenly, and despair:

Kevin Nguyen: Hillary Duff

Election Day may be a year away, but I already know that my vote is going to Hillary. Hillary Duff, that is.

According to Wikipedia, Duff is an actress, singer, songwriter, spokesperson, fashion designer, and entrepreneur. President of the United States of America is the only occupation she has yet to conquer. And honestly, I think she’d be the only sure bet, regardless of the party she ran for. As a Republican candidate, she would be the second most intelligent, next to Ron Paul; as a Democrat, Duff would be the second cutest girl, next to John Edwards.

But how will Ms. Duff fund her campaign, you say? Below is a chart comparing the combined domestic and international box office revenue of The Lizzie McGuire Movie (adjusted for inflation) with the total funds raised from the top three candidates ion both sides. Clearly, Duff is able to edge out her opponents fiscally.

Duff Chart

Sure she doesn’t meet the age requirement of 35, but I think we can make an exception for the former star of Lizzie McGuire. In fact, her youth guarantees a no compromise diplomatic demeanor, which would be particularly useful when establishing order in the Middle East. Just look at this line from her smash hit, “Come Clean (Let the Rain Fall Down)”:

Cause perfect didn’t feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy

See that? Duff defies, plus she’s no square. This kind of pre-pubescent logic is the only solution to our current administration. Now, she has a clothing line called Stuff by Duff. Everyone should get ready for Foreign Policy by Duff, because when it comes down to it, there’s no other triple-platinum presidential candidate.

Jordan Barber: Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey, Patriotic Satanist

I couldn’t help it, but Mr. Sharkey is actually running for president.

One of the things that most attract me to Mr. “The Impaler” Sharkey—besides his charming looks and his credentials as a Hecate Witch—is his honesty and ability to protect America. As a former candidate for governor of Minnesota and as a professional boxer, I feel that Mr. Sharkey has the will and experience to protect us from the evils lurking outside America, like terrorists or Mexicans. Mr. Sharkey’s policies are bold and clear: once in office, he has promised to impale current president George W. Bush (among others) for their terrible crimes against humanity. As quoted on his official website: “While Bush is IMPALED, I vow to drink his BLOOD!” Now we can all rest assured.

But he’s also a very caring person. After his long list of people to be impaled, he includes a sincere note: “PLEASE NOTE: If any women who belong to a group scheduled to be executed are pregnant at the time, they will NOT be executed!”

Ladies and gentleman, this man cares for America. Earlier in his career he began the program VWPAID: Vampyres, Witches, Pagans Against Impaired Driving. He is also currently at work on his first musical album, entitled A Vampyre Sings Elvis Love Songs. I know who will be getting my vote this year. This is the man—or vampire, rather—for America.

After all, asks Mr. Sharkey on his campaign website, “Would you love to live in a nation that reminds you of Camelot?” I think we all know the answer to that one, Mr. Sharkey. 

Caitlin Boersma: Wilford Brimley

I was going to run for president myself until I went through this worksheet and decided the job wasn’t for me.

I thought about what I valued most in a leader and came up with this list: mustache, cowboy hat, diabetes, and a wealth of knowledge about medical supply companies. Only one man could fit this description. Wilford Brimly. He also played William Howard Taft once in a movie . No one could be better qualified for this job.

Vote Wilford Brimly and call Liberty Medical 1-800-376-1599.

Jeff Merrion: N/A

Jeff Merrion is a convicted felon and, as such, is unable to vote in United States elections.

Nick Martens: Kevin Drew

First of all, dude’s dating Feist. This fact saves us from having to worry about him fooling around with “curvy” interns and causing a ridiculous national crisis.

More importantly, Drew isn’t afraid to speak his mind. At a recent Seattle show, he berated the venue in which he was playing throughout the entire set. We need this kind of fearless break from politics-as-usual to bring our country back on track. Is North Korea being a little bitch? President Drew will not be afraid to call them on their bullshit.

Drew also comes equipped with a suite of Broken Social Scene members qualified to fill out important cabinet positions. Brendan Canning will shake up the office of the Secretary of Defense by replacing the usual credentials of a military background and strategic mindset with aggressive bass lines and energetic stage presence. Drew’s is the only administration that will play “Almost Crimes” at the State of the Union.

Also, he’s Canadian, so maybe he can finally get us some fucking sensible health care.