Improve the Quality of Your Life

Sometimes, life isn’t as good as it could be. Don’t let this happen to you. Certified lifestyle enhancement theorist Kevin Nguyen offers a few quick-and-dirty tips guaranteed to make you feel great about yourself.

The standard of living may be sinking quickly alongside the rapid devaluation of the American dollar, but there’s no reason your quality of life should be taking a hit. Here are a few simple ways to improve your day-to-day existence.

Find photogenic friends

Individual photos are almost worthless. Hanging pictures of yourself around the house or apartment will make people think you’re vain. But group photos have the opposite effect. They remind you that you’re popular, good-natured, and great in bed.

Of course, within the frame of the photo, the key is who you surround yourself with. It’s not just about how attractive your friends are, but how photogenic. How often have great photos been ruined by your friend Teddy, whose greasy forehead consistently reflects the light of the camera’s flash? There are plenty of beautiful people who are susceptible to red eye. Stop returning their calls.

It’s also important to make sure that you’re not the one behind the lens. How can you be in the pictures if you’re taking them? Bring your camera to parties, but tell people that it’s low on battery, then hand it out when it comes time for a group shot.

As a rule of thumb, you should always make the least photogenic or least attractive person take the picture. Usually this is the same person, making them the obvious choice for designated photographer. Other good ways to identify this non-photogenic troll is by their name. They’ll usually have a predictable, patronizing nickname that they’ve unwillingly accepted in order to distinguish themselves from the paint on the wall. Encourage their photography skills by complimenting the pictures they take.

“Wow, Chip, that’s a really great photo. Could you take one with my camera too?”

Park wherever you want

As the holiday season approaches, parking is getting tougher and tougher to find. Many countless hours are spent trying to find a designated space, when really, there’s enough space for everyone. It’s just that some of these spaces are assigned to the handicapped or found on sidewalks and playgrounds. Just park your car in the most convenient area available.

Granted, you’ll probably be called out on your illegal parking space by a meter cop. The beauty here is that you’re never billed on the spot. Instead, you get a ticket that the RMV expects you to pay at a later date. Rather than take responsibility for your actions, just stuff the ticket into the glove compartment.

This will never catch up with you.

Eat more bananas

Bananas have a lot of potassium.

Learn six or seven big words

Other than being good-looking, there’s nothing more important than having people think you’re smart. Wearing a blazer, drinking espresso, and carrying a copy of The Economist are all effective means of making this impression, but these are surface qualities. Only shallow people will fall for them, and you want people to understand the real you.

Using highfalutin language is a surefire way to impress people on a deeper, spiritual level. Just open the dictionary and find an obscure word that sounds eloquent. Repeat this process six to seven times. There’s a very real danger in misusing a big word, which could be disastrous. Make sure to commit these words and their definitions to memory. I recommend flash cards.

Dropping big words at the dinner table will score you major points with just about anyone. If someone calls you pretentious for using the word copasetic, just apologize. You can’t help slipping into such a sophisticated vocabulary. You just read too many books.

Kevin Nguyen is a founding editor of The Bygone Bureau. His only marketable skill is an above-average knowledge of European geography. He has been useless since the introduction of the atlas in 1477. Reach him by email or follow his Twitter account.